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Mia farrow-chef is having an eye opening experience

The cooks are talking about last week's performances and the baldheaded weirdo Ty-lor says they should shut the fuck up if they can't put something good on the plate.

We hold that Ty-lor is the one that should shut the fuck up and we dream of a Top Chef with Tyler the Creator in Ty-lor's stead. Odd Future in the cooking dome? Now that's a tv show.

Atractive black woman-chef sees other cooks' true colors and they ain't pretty

Weepy chef loves chiles and we fade down, she's like a walking dose of ambien

Padma introduces "two hot tamales" two chef/guest judges who are experts on chile based cooking

Chubby Sandy Duncan-chef commences with the ass kissing

Padma offers 20k courtesy of Tabasco to the chef who can bang out the best chile dish

and they're off!

Korea cook is a wuss choosing to use a raw, mild chile-Anaheim or some other horse shit chili

Punky chicago cook is a wimp and his ratty mohawk is pitiful.If you're going to affect a punk hair cut do so proudly please, your half ass shit is really annoying. Oi!

Chicago-nerd cook needs diaper money

Mexican cook Chuy says he has a spicy personality which means he's deadly dull

Attractive black woman-chef is blanching and therefore ruining her habanero

Austin chef Paul Qui has giant ,as in pumpkin-sized, balls----he goes with the ghost chile, the hottest chile on Earth. Bow before the might of Qui and his willingness to tackle the Bhut Jolokia

Chicago-punky cook is worried there is no heat in his chile

Chuy's dad grew 40 lbs of habanero per year when Chuy was a kid growing up on a chile ranch

Paul Qui admits that he chose the ghost chile for the money and as a test for his skill

He vows that he shall go big or go home as he's a top chef

Chuy want to dive under the table as his efforts are lacking

Curly haired Jean George-cook killed it with her dish

Qui as we all know, owned the ghost chile, the competition and each chef who faced him

Fuck yes, Paul fucking Qui y'all. 20k richer and he's still at the helm of a top chef kitchen and he fucking owns 3 of his own restaurants

Since we are in the great state now it's time for a CHILI CHALLENGE Y'ALL

Attractive Black Woman-chef IS WORRIED THAT SHE'LL HAVE TO CARRY EVERYBODY ON HER BACK

Sugar-Ray-cook is worried cause he's trapped with a conniver:chubby sandy duncan

They are going to the rodeo and they do not have a time limit

Chubby Sandy Duncan's daddy was a bull rider

Qui's ready for a fistfight at the butcher counter

Weepy chef is cursing wildly

It is chaos at the grocery store, one cashier is blurred out-probably an ex con

Back to the mansion where all the cooking shall take place

Sugar Ray chef hates chubby sandy duncan

Handsome asian chef is worried about the amt that the rodeo cowhands can eat

Attractive black woman cook just hi jacked all the beer, we love this woman

Curly haired chef is ready to engage in some territorial pissing over the fire place where she wants to cook

texas chile con carne vs mole chile

Tom walks in in his chef gear, probably feels good to put the chef coat on a couple times a year

He rolls up on attractive Black woman chef who trumpets her use of tomatoes bell peppers and celery. Ugh, that is disgusting attractive Black woman....that is gross, you're in Texas for godsake.

During the ramp-up why did these cooks not learn our basic food groups:white flour, fat, salt and sugar? Once you learn these cornerstones you then graduate to Chicken Fried Steak, Queso, Chili and Brisket

We're simple people. These are our foods. Learn them, love them, live them

Ty-lor, the bald headed weirdo who likes to wear pedal pushers still needs to be replaced with Tyler the creator

Pickled peaches? Ugh gross,Tom is grossed out "what's up with that?" Utter disaster is right female hoss cat chef

C'mon y'all. If you want to put garnishes on our state food make sure it's cornbread, fritos, chopped onions or sour cream not this weird pickly stone fruit horseshit

They should've only allowed Texas chefs on this damn show. And from real Texas towns too.

And now we are pool-side

Attractive Black woman is cutting up in a swimsuit! We love this show!

Sugar Ray hates chuy-

Cinnammon? Ugh.

Qui looks better and better all the time cause he's quiet, unlike Tylor and these other huckleberries

Ty-lor is threatening mia farrow-chef; I'll pour that bottle of hot damn down yr throat

And here come the cowboys

Love seeing all the cowboy hats, we don't leave the house without ours and are always happy to see others doing the same. Anybody else remember when the men in Austin used to wear cowboy hats and boots? Nowadays it's a bunch of trannies strolling around in shower shoes and cargo shorts.

Chuy has a neck tattoo?! Wonder if he's been in the pen?

Mole inspired chili is not impressing, attractive Black woman cook says it may be too sophisticated for these hicks at the rodeo

Gale Simmons shows up and she's really got it caked on today, makeup is working overtime on this gal. Probably coming off a tequila bender on the Riverwalk last night.

team one: texas chili con carne, old school , Tom says it gets better and better, Gale needs a sop for all the juices

On one team; everybody is wildly self-congratulatory over their no beans chili

Pork rinds as a chili garnish! yes yes yes, we grind them to make cake flour, we grind them to use as a binder in our meatloaf but we never used them as a garnish on chili!

Too many fucking teams I'm confused

Guest chef judge likes acid, perhaps reflecting back on her hippy past

Impromptu judges meeting where they are not impressed

And here comes the rodeo

Chicago-nerd chef says it is magical, we love a good rodeo but magical is not a word we'd use to describe them

Korean chef is sobbing hysterically over her missing hubby while attractive Black woman chef looks like she'd enjoy looping a garrotte around her neck. And be perfectly aloof while she took her down too.

Here comes Padma on a horse

and Sugar Ray is out of the closet somehow drawing comparisons between Fabio and Padma? Whaaaaaaa?

Chubby sandy duncan cook's team wins and you guessed it: She's proud to be a Texan

Attractive Black woman's heart is sinking into puddle of despair as her mole bullshit chili is the worst of the lot

But redemption is offered as the shitty team must renovate their chili and convert it into winning dishes

it's Chicago punk vs korea chef vs Attractive Black woman

WHO WILL WIN?

3 forgettable dishes are presented to Tom, the gay bear icon

judges are conferring, and we have a loser

judges are sitting around being catty Tom admits to their being assholes

Korea cook is safe, she's their favorite

ABW is chastened

Chicago punk is chastened

Chicago punk is done and his lip is trembling, he is not taking it like a man

Time for a brodown as co worker Chicago nerd and losing chef hug it out

The two chicago chefs are brosephs, with punk telling nerd " be the jedi you are and win it all!"

Chicago punk retires to the chef mansion where OUT OF NOWHERE, he's given a chance to compete with GIANT BLACK MAN, the previously ousted chef who must have defeated Austin chef Andrew Curren.

GIANT BLACK MAN takes one look at mini man, Chicago punk chef and quietly licks his chops. Perhaps reflecting back on little punks like this he had to deal with when he was the bull on his cell block back in the pen.

We don't cover Last Kitchen or what ever it's called. By the time a full episode of Top Chef is in the books we are exhausted and drunk [we do a shot everytime the studio lights bounce of Paul Qui's dome].

See y'all next week.

all our Top Chef Texas articles here http://www.scrumptiouschef.com/food/index.cfm/Top-Chef-