HEB, the mammoth Texas-based grocer is preparing to roll out a line of dirt cheap candy bars in its US stores. A buck will get you two which means they’re roughly half what you would pay for a boutique brand like Zero or 5th Avenue.

But what’s the real cost?

Sounds like they’ve hired some hippie love weed smoking ad agency to come up with their copy for the advertising campaign. We just got a p.r release and it’s a treasure. “Chewomp!: Fun, quirky, superhero/comic, animated, active and intense candy bar filled with nougat, peanuts and caramel covered in milk chocolate.

•Caramel Cloud: Smooth, creamy, sleek, polished, savvy, clever and intellectual candy bar filled with nougat and caramel covered in milk chocolate.

•Cocoa Cloud: Daydreaming, enchanted, joyful, imaginative and nurturing candy bar filled with chocolate nougat covered in milk chocolate.

•Kooky Caramel: Playful, whimsical, spontaneous, lively, mischievous and enthusiastic candy bar filled with a biscuit and caramel covered in milk chocolate”

Nothing says enchanted and whimsical like bargain basement candy shipped into Texas from Germany.

Imaginative and nurturing? Give me a break.

I have a deep love of candy but I’m not going to kid myself that the Hot Tamales box I buy for a buck at Dollar Tree is in any way going to nurture me. It’s going to taste delicious when I smuggle it into the Paramount for a Bob Mitchum movie but it’s in no way going to nourish me.

Nor is this sweet, German fodder that HEB is about to foist upon the Texas market.

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