And we’re off! Episode 2 of Top Chef Texas is on. Obligatory shot of the Alamo with quick segue to the San Antonio river dissolves into scene from the bubble room where curly hair chef from episode 1 establishes her bona fides by talking up her time in the kitchen at Jean Georges.

Handsome Asian Kentuckian cook speaks on being wary of making friends with fellow contestants whom he ultimately hopes to beat the tar out of

Group 3 step into the elimination chamber, a very nicely outfitted kitchen where Mia Farrow-chef expresses her anxiety over the pending bloodletting. Hugh Acheson is introduced as a judge, as is Tom, the gay bear icon and godfather of Top Chef. Padma, looking like a million bucks stands regally above all gathered humans.

Black goateed chef gushes his love of Padma which stretches all the way back to middle school which could have been within the last year, year and a half tops.

Tom is on the mic extolling the chefs to bio themselves for the home audience.

Two forgettable female cooks prelude the man; Austin’s PAUL FUCKING QUI is on the stick y’all.

He’s only on for a second but his star shines bright as does his pate under the ethereal studio klieg lights. He’s a James Beard rising star chef so bow down, he’s got knives and he’s filled with bad intentions for all who stand beside him.

DRAMA INDUCING VOICEOVER FROM FELLOW AUSTINITE ANDREW CURREN who’s looking like a young Arn “the enforcer” Anderson.


Curren says he’s nervous but we ain’t buying it.

The obligatory “private chef” pipes up for a second.

Curren gets his bio moment and he trumpets his Food and Wine accolade.

Ooh, we like the Latina from Miami, she has a round faced appeal that to us is timeless. It’s a look that defies age. She’ll still be good looking when she’s 70.Let’s hope she can cook.

Padma crush boy is from Fatty Crab, he could go far, that’s a real restaurant.

Waay funny shot of infant son from forgettable female Asian cook. Infants in sunglasses are like bulldogs with scarves riding in motorbike sidecars.

Asian mama “I’m the one bringing home the bacon” we like her moxie. Let’s hope she’s a gamer.

Bios are over and it’s time for the bloodletting.

Padma, looking 7 feet tall breaks down the nature of the challenge.

Paul Qui on the stick telling the audience ingredients don’t matter once the hood gets raised

3 minutes for everybody to decide who gets what ingredient

A scrum develops and everybody is playing nice. We wish Li’l Homey from last week was still in the mix cause a good shanking could really liven this crew up.

Curren gives up his hippy past by announcing he’ll take the “shrooms”. He’s just glad he gave up the Dead tour parking lot scene and got into cooking.

Curren and forgettable female chef start flashing gang signs at each other over ownership of mushrooms. Curren’s flashing his LAMAR BOULEVARD SET, girl cook bows down.

Curren’s got his shrooms.

Fatty Crab chef announces his allegiance to Satan by flashing double devil horns.

The hoods are raised to reveal clocks delineating the amount of time each cook has to prepare their dishes.

Curren ain’t happy but he’s all smiles.

And they’re off.

It’s a footrace to the stoves, pure frenetic energy as each cook is about to set it off.

Qui is all business. Time under the iron thumb of Tyson Cole is about to pay off.

Acheson watches closely cause he knows he can learn much from prodigy Qui.

Lurid color photos of Qui’s Eastside Kings food trailers flash on the screen as he mentions Tony Bourdain’s love of his food.

Curren’s sweating out his mushroom dish while Tom tries to distract him. Curren “I know I’m screwed”

Seattle cook can’t get her pressure cooker to engage. She’s got oxtails and this could be a big problem as they are tough sons a bitches that need maximum heat and pressure in her one hour allotted time.

Seattle girl gets her moment in the sun with killer shot of her being macked on by her brand new groom by the limo by the church-freshly wed and with Fabolous in her head.

She’s invoking her brand new mother in law for inspiration. THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL.

Balding elderly French cook gets his spotlight moment. He came to US against his will but fell in love with our land and is here to stay. We love the French, let’s hope he goes far.

Action shot. Action shot. Action shot.

Korean girl cook gets her glory moment. She’s tackling octopus and she’s scared.

Fatty Crab cook is trembling in the presence of risotto and Acheson but he’s going to channel GI Joe and take it from there.

Timeless beauty Miami chef comes on and is cursing violently! We love this woman!

Mia Farrow-waif cook is tackling veal. Tom comes at her hard and she shucks it. She’s gone. WE’VE GOT A RUNNER.

Qui’s back on the mic and his nerves are shot but he has the heart of a lion. Daily beatings behind Uchi from Tyson Cole have made him hard. This will serve him well in this elimination chamber.

Curren’s struggling, Curren’s cursing. GO DREW.

Drew’s giving up. No Drew No. He’s taken to just heaving shit on the plate.

Time’s up and Drew is disgusted.

Qui is ready to present. The judges are about to have their eyes rolled back in head.

Andrew is in first presenter group too. Along with forgettable girl chef.

Tom says what we knew all along. Qui is the king. It’s Tom’s favorite dish.

Padma and Acheson chime in.

QUI’S IN QUI’S IN QUI’S IN. He’s in the Top Chef house y’all. Go Paul Qui!

The axe falls on forgettable girl chef.

Andrew’s looking rough. He’s scared. Let’s hope he’s going through.

He’s bubbled. He will live to cook another day.

A group of bubbled chefs greet Drew in the bubble room. Curren’s all steely determination now.

Back to the remaining chefs who are all cooking up a storm.

Spike-y haired chef is terrified. Tom and Acheson have their bluff in on him and he’s about to fold.

Round faced Miami cook has short ribs and she’s worried.

French cook breaks down his long-ago career options presented to him in France: cook, priest or army guy. He’s not happy with his dish.

oh no-Fatty Crab cook runs out of time. no no no

He’s not plated.

He’s done. Life has no meaning.

Mercilessly Padma gives him his walking orders.

Not happy at Scrumptious house. We thought this guy might go far.

Miami girl presents and her short rib looks insanely good. It’s burnished.

French cook serves the duck

Spike-y hair guy did brussel sprouts, one of our favorite foods of all time.

Tom and Acheson look disgusted. Spike-y haired guy is done.

French cook gets bubbled. Whew. We want to see what this guy can do.

NO NO NO. Miami girl is done. There is no god. We loved this woman.


Sad-but must continue watching.

Final group is still cooking. Fantastic musical score builds high drama like the best of Sternklang’s Electro-Static Discharge lp.

Mia Farrow is worried.

Korea cook looks lost.

Oxtail girl is about to lose a limb. We love our pressure cooker but we are highly respectful of it after watching one blow the fuck up at our grannie’s house when we were kids.

Oxtail girl is cursing violently as she wrestles the beastly pressure cooker.

Back to the bubble room and Asia/Kentucky cook announces he will kill everybody in the room if they make him wait much longer.

We love this guy.

Action shot of Mia Farrow running briskly through the kitchen.

Seattle cook defeats the pressure cooker but her oxtail is still rigid. Time to improvise.

And now it’s time to face the panel.

Seattle girl presents her homage to her brand new mother in law.

Mia Farrow has a veal shank.

Korean girl has octopus plated and it looks incredible. Let’s hope she punches her ticket.

Tom is sprung for Mia Farrow. She’s in the house.

Mother in law-oxtail-Seattle cook is out. Padma delivers the killing blow.

Korea cook is in. YES. Her plating was top flight. Looking forward to seeing more from this girl.

And there is partying in the Top Chef house, the bubbles are flowing.


Wait, is GIANT BLACK MAN wearing Gazelles? No way.

And we’re back in the bubble room where Kentucky chef has not slaughtered the lot of the bubbled cooks.

Kentucky chef absolutely kills the cruise ship cook with the most demonic chuckle we’ve heard in years. GO KENTUCKY CHEF.

Kentucky chef reiterates that he will murder everybody in the bubble room if he does not get relief soon.

We can’t say for certain but he appears to be totally serious.

and we still love this man.

And it’s final cook-off time.

Emeril’s in the room looking like he just got put in the pen over in Huntsville. He ain’t happy.

Curren’s terrified.

And it’s revealed. There are two slots left.

The largesse of Padma is revealed. The cooks can use anything in the kitchen in the final challenge.

Tom “this is the moment that will define you as a chef”

No pressure at all folks, let’s cook.

Chefs run willy-nilly through the kitchen

Curren chooses mussels. Well played Andrew. It’s one of the best dishes at 24 Diner and he should get through on the back of this ingredient.

Curly haired cook breaks down her love of booze from age 15 onward. We’re liking her more and more. She’s got bacon, shrimp and figs in her repertoire and we see her going through. It’s almost like she’s cheating.

Dockhand looking cook wrings out sympathy vote with tale of her heart breaking relationship crash.

KENTUCKY CHEF IS CUT. He could be going home

Back to the Top Chef house, Chicago cooks try to find a bed where they can snuggle up during the quiet times.

Giant Black man makes the scene. Something tells us he’ll be the bull in this pen.

Back in the kitchen.

Kentucky cook is all man. He’s fucking cooking one handed while the medics stitch him up. Wow. Wow.

Dockhand is happy with her dish.

Curren’s all business. He’s got steel in his eyes. GO ANDREW.

Curren high fives curly haired cook and flashes his LAMAR BOULEVARD SET. It was so quick we barely caught it but we swear he did it.

And it’s judge’s panel time.

Every cook gets praised and beaten before being sent off so the panel can debate.

Curren’s proud of his dish and happy to have a second chance.

Back to the panel. Kentucky chef is in. Yes.

No No No Andrew Curren is out. Noooooooooo

Curly haired chef is in. Yes.

And in the gimmicked up “last chance kitchen” it’s Andrew vs the dockhand for one final, desperate attempt to get in the house.

We’ll cover that in a bit as we are exhausted from typing.

Good night y’all

all our Top Chef Texas articles here

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