A mildly entertaining little trifle. Episode one ends up ultimately being rendered moot by the production’s failure to include either of the two Texas chefs…on Top Chef Texas.

Padma appears and is rail skinny but still somehow pulling it off. We’ll call it the Rushdie effect for lack of a better phrase.

Immediately the editors do a good job by bringing a heel chef into the mix. Tyler is clearly an insufferable prick and gives us all an asshole to focus our dislike on. We love the giant Black man they then throw at us. Keith looks like our kind of cook. Part grizzly bear, part chef. He looks like a worker. We’d like to see him wrestle a large animal to the ground, dispatch it, dress it and cook it.

Soon enough the contestants are led into a killing room, a studio kitchen where you know a fair amount of them will enter, never to leave.

Emeril and Tom are deadly serious looking.

We cut to the chefs themselves who are allowed to give a little verbal bio before they’re to be humiliated. Tyler, the officious little ass is particularly dislikeable while one gangbanger looking cook captures our interest immediately.

We hope he has an old rusty shank taped to his calf so we can see somebody get taken out before the end of the episode.

The rest of the chefs are pretty forgettable.

Tom and Emeril then take center stage to explain the challenge.

Hope everybody passed butchery cause it’s time to carve up a pig.

“Stay on your toes” warns Tom.

and they’re off.

The cooks immediately form a scrum and start squabbling amongst themselves. Good time to deliver a shanking but our homeboy ain’t feeling it.

WE MEET ANOTHER HEEL!

The obligatory vegan chef is trotted out and yes they are going to make him plunge his hands deep into the guts of a hog. They would’ve made him do it to a live animal but the Peta advisor on set reportedly said it was not advisable.

Beady eyed son of a bitch Tyler makes a reappearance so the viewers can have a hate focal point. He immediately starts fucking up butchery 101. Tom snickers at the little wretch and walks away.

Only to return like a bald headed god. “PACK UP YOUR KNIVES AND GO”.

Tyler is dismissed. We’re a little surprised by this. He made an effective villain but his lack of competence was too much for Colicchio to bear.

Tom then approaches Grayson, a female cook to commiserate with her over how poorly Tyler had butchered her pork tenderloin. He shucks and jives a little with a giant grin to let us know he’s really not a bad guy after all, just snapped for a moment.

His smile is wolfish though.

Some filler is thrown in, then Tom walks up to the gangbanger that reminds us of Little Homie from Y’all So Stupid.

Shank him Little Homie.

Not happening.

Great quote from one of the Chicago cooks comes next “we’ll destroy everyone in our path.” We love the brio of this rust belt bad ass.

Let’s hope he can back it up.

The sloppy vegan is the next to be given his walking papers. Tom and Emeril both show him the door. The shaky, handed herbivore’s sloppy presentation was the end of him.

Padma then breaks down the judging to the contestants illustrating her vast knowledge of NCAA basketball by effortlessly using the phrase “on the bubble.”

This is the conceit where two future endeavored cooks go head to head in a webisode to fight their way back into the competition.

A CHEF GETS A COAT. One of the Chicago guys gets a jacket with his pork and apple dish. We have our first kind-of-winner.

A couple cooks get bubbled.

Another chef gets through, a Black girl who kills it with some Tex Mex.

Another chef gets through, plus sized gal with some ribs and grits.

The gangbanger gets shown the door. He’s off the show. Something tells me Tom hasn’t seen the last of this guy. We see a scene like in Sleepers, the old Kevin Bacon movie where Bacon catches his payback 20 years after the crime. Expect Collichio to catch a shiv on a busy subway platform about 2025 or so.

Mouthy Chicago guy gets through! Chicago guys are in.

Brief face time for one chef who mentions wax museums showing that she’s secretly 130+ years old. Wax museums?

Baby chef bios time again with a fresh batch of cooks.

GIANT HULKING BLACK MAN IS BACK. Please god let this guy wrestle a grizzly bear soon.

A Kentuckian who’s also Asian is up. Handsome too.

Rick Bayless protege makes the scene. Easy to not like this guy for some reason.

The token undead cook is up next. A goth from the W on the west coast. Hopefully that Texas sun will do her some good.

And they’re off. Time to shop for ingredients. The challenge has begun.

The chefs choose rabbit, one of our all time favorite meats. It just got interesting.

Did some guy just name drop Richard Blais?

Good Lord, that’s like interviewing a high school quarterback who name drops Case McCoy. If you’re going to name drop go big son. Not some burger chain wannabee who’ll be on skid row in 5 years.

The Kentuckian is looking for a tutorial on the vap machine. Not a good sign. Not a lot of vap machines in the Bluegrass State apparently.

RETURN OF THE GIANT BLACK MAN. We really want to see him snag Tom by his collar like the way an adult mama cat carries her kittens. then just sort of parade Tom around the kitchen by the scruff of his neck.

Uh oh. Giant Black Man is an ex con. We love a redemption song. We have a clear cut favorite.

Judges table.

Padma lets the axe fall on girl contestant who left the her rabbit off the plate.

Giant Black Man chicken fried his rabbit! We love this man!

Easy to forget-bad tattoo girl, gets through.

and so is giant Black man.

Asian Kentuckian gets future endeavored. He’s on the bubble folks.

A new batch of contestants and we’re back at the table.

Goth girl from west coast W is through.

Scary bald headed beard-y guy gets through with a Thai rabbit dish.

The guy swinging from Richard Blais’s dick gets through. Potential new villain here.

Girl who can’t get sauce on plate gets bubbled.

All bubbled chefs discuss the merits of having tattoos in the bubbled chefs room.

and the final chef gets through, a Bayless lieutenant from you guessed it, Chicago.

Good night y’all.

all our Top Chef Texas articles here http://www.scrumptiouschef.com/food/Top-Chef-Texas

See you next week.

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